If I were to try to describe all of the insane shit in Eliminators, this review would be longer than the script. I can't believe movies like this used to play in public where the stoned freakazoids and/or hypercaffeinated 13-year-old boys they were aimed at could mingle with the normal filmgoers who had no idea what they were getting into. It truly was a more enlightened time. Eliminators throws you right into the midst of its madness with some kind of psychedelic 2001 credits sequence, where a magenta Laser Floyd light show plays behind stock footage of a WWII-era model plane pretending to crash.

Then there are some Roman centurions running away from sparkly explosions and a one-red-eyed cyborg who looks like the poster for 12 Monkeys staring right into the camera. We're only 15 seconds into this thing and we already don't know what the fuck is going on. It's like we wandered in halfway through the peyote scene in Natural Born Killers.

So then we meet two mad scientists, one an ugly old white dude, the other a friendly Asian guy. They're laboring away at one of those desk-sized computer consoles full of switches and blinking lights that people used to think the future would be littered with. They get all excited when this round metal spacepod thingie gets blue-lightninged into existence in front of them, and out steps our hero, a gentleman by the name of Mandroid who has half a head and a body by Robotech. He hands Dr. Ugly a bronze shield from the first century B.C. and says he feels kind of disoriented. Gee, you think?

Turns out Mandroid used to be this pilot who crashlanded near their hideout, so they kitted him out with wrist rockets and body armor so they could send him back into the past to rob the Romans. Then Dr. Ugly issues orders for Mandroid to be dismantled, but Dr. Friendly Asian Guy doesn't want to do that. So while Dr. Ugly is hooking up his love handles to a car battery for no good reason, Dr. F.A.G. attaches Mandroid to his Mobile Unit, which is like the treads of a tank with Mandroid's torso sticking out of the top. While Mandroid lasers his way to freedom, Dr. F.A.G. takes a bullet in the pocket protector and tells him that the movie is gonna need some side boob at some point, so he better go pick up this military scientist named Dr. Tasha Yar, who's got a few wet tanktops she wouldn't mind changing out of.

So Mandroid dresses up like The Shadow to cover up his pneumatics while he goes to see the doc, who's fiddling around with her adorable little flying bleepy robot sidekick S.P.O.T., which stands for Stupid Plastic Optical Thing. It likes to zip around on some cheesy blue laser effects whenever it's not dangling on the end of the offscreen propmaster's fishing line.

Mandroid shows up, takes out some armed guards with wrist-based knockout gas, and says he needs Dr. Yar's help to go waste Dr. Ugly. So after she digs around in the Atari 2600 inside the robot half of his head for a while, they mosey on down to some bar in Mexico, where this Han Solo 4 Hire named Harry Fontana is about to get his ass kicked by some flannel-encrusted lesbians. After a quick barfight/interview process, Dr. Yar hires Harry to take her upriver to Doc Ugly's lair. Then they spend about a half-hour blowing up motorboats before Mandroid falls in the river and washes ashore next to this Mortal Kombat-looking motherfucker who turns out to be Dr. F.A.G.'s son, Joey Ninja. Meanwhile, Dr. Yar and Harry Fontana get captured by some cavemen, and Mandroid has to rescue them. Nobody thinks it's the slightest bit weird that he's hanging out with a ninja. So they all hop onto a raft and Mandroid uses the propellers in his feet to get them to the other side of the river, where they have to fight a fat guy and his buddies riding Road Warrior tricycles by making the ground two feet in front of them blow up.

Then there's that side boob I was talking about, followed by an intimate fireside chat where Dr. Yar kisses the side of Mandroid's face that isn't made out of used VCR parts. Then they send S.P.O.T. out to do some recon, and he comes back shooting lasers all over the place until Joey Ninja whips out his sword and opens up the little fucker's head like a can of corned beef hash.

Then they attack Dr. Ugly's hideout, where they discover that his plan is to make himself a mandroid suit and go back in time and become Julius Caesar. So then there's some hot mandroid-on-mandroid action, more squiggly blue laser effects than any movie since My Science Project, and some not-too-bad kung fu from Joey Ninja, who gets to say upwards of six or seven consecutive words in between roundhouse kicks.

Then Dr. Ugly jumps into his time machine, and Harry Fontana smacks the computer console like the Fonz and makes it malfunction, so Dr. Ugly ends up crashing his time machine into some papier mache rocks in front of a purple matte painting of the Precambrian era. In a movie full of cyborgs, centurions, cavemen, and lesbians, you'd think somebody would have sprung for some stop-motion dinosaurs, but nope, he went back way too far for that, so he ends up being the emperor of all the paramecium swimming around in the primordial ooze. Maybe if he waits around for a couple billion years, he could stomp on the first lungfish as it takes its first steps on dry land, thus erasing all terrestrial life from existence. That would show that uppity Mandroid who's boss.

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