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Page 1 of 3 Hi there! It's me, Zombie Boy, back to piss all over another batch of movies set to be released this summer, this time, obviously, for July. While I do my usually vulgar venom spewing, for those paying attention you will find that I actually have positive thoughts for a few of them. Crazy. *The films are listed in ascending order of alleged release*
ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS: Having been subjected to the first two Ice Age films (I have a ten-year old daughter) about the only positive thing I can say about them is that they aren’t as stupid as the Shrek films. The three leads (Ray Romano, John Leguizamo, and Denis Leary) are all pleasant actors to listen to. Simon Pegg and Bill Hader each do a voice. That’s all I got. If for nothing else, watch it for Scratte, the poor little squirrel STILL trying to get his nut.
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| PUBLIC ENEMIES: A lot of people are bitching about this film being shot on HD video, and there is much discussion about the framerate, and yadda yadda, yackity smackity. This is a 30’s gangster movie directed by Michael “The Man” Mann, starring Johnny Depp as John Dillinger, Christian Bale as Melvin Purvis, and Billy Crudup as fucking J. Edgar Hoover. I don’t give a shit if it was shot on a Fisher Price My First Camera. I want to see it yesterday, if possible. It even features my future ex-wife Lili Taylor. |  |
| BRUNO: I hate to judge a film before seeing it (that is a total lie: I love it) but I will not be seeing this one in theaters…if ever. It just seems to me that Sascha Baron Cohen is going to flog every character from Da Ali G show for everything their worth. How does this film not seem like it is boldly going exactly where Borat went? It is interesting to note that a Michael Jackson joke was cut from the film, last minute. Sort of a pusillanimous move for a movie wholly conceived to offend people. And at 83 minutes, this slim film doesn’t seem like it can stand to lose much. |  |
| I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER: I’m not sure I entirely understand what is happening with this film. Apparently the class valedictorian professes his love for the titular (haha) girl, and she shows up on his doorstep that very night to show him a good time. Whatever that means. Sounds like sci-fi to me. Also sounds thinner than fila dough. Of all the great movies that go straight to video, this Chris Columbus garbage hits theaters? Makes perfect sense. I mean, come on. The guy sucks. Am I alone in thinking this? It stars that Hayden Penitentiary chick from Heroes, so all the mouth-breathing, “action figure” collecting mouth-breathers will be there, boners in hand. No thanks. |  |
| HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE: Sigh. I love the Harry Potter books (well, the four that I have read), but with the exception of The Prisoner of Azkaban, the movies suck. The first two Chris Columbus films were bloated, pedantic nightmares, Azkaban showed promise (even if they cut out my favorite part of the book), The Goblet of Fire was a Day-Glo Abortion, and The Order of the Phoenix was over before it started, and I don’t remember a damned thing about it. All I know is that Guillermo Del Toro turned down his chance to direct The Half-Blood Prince, and it makes me so sad. Other than that, I guess you can expect some wizard stuff, and some Voldemort stuff, and Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson doing what they call acting for 8 hours, or however long it is. I’ll be there, that whole ten-year old daughter thing I may have mentioned. Pray for me. |  |
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