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Page 1 of 3 Men.
Men will stop dead in their tracks, with a dumbstruck, wistful, oooooh face whenever they see bursting brassiere Red Sonja art, yet put that same, drooling mouth to work when going on about how hot Milla Jovovich was as Ultraviolet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m on the Jovovich bandwagon (even have a cd or two floating around) – but, by comic book standards, I’m afraid the lovely lass is a few cups short.
When men aren’t disregarding all the pleasantries that led to coating their adolescent tongues in three color ink, they’re going on about Justice and Motivation and Truth in comic styled films. All of which just goes to prove, once again, that men – handy, though they are – haven’t the first damn clue what they’re doing. Consider this: so much of comic book art is, literally, man made.
When I create a story, there’s generally a sliver of myself tucked in among the characters. So, if men are creating super, heroic versions of themselves, what’s the external standard? Our personal criteria for being aesthetically pleasing is very much rooted in what the opposite sex would find aesthetically pleasing about us. Put it all together, and technically, then, comic book men were strategically crafted to turn women on.
-- but no one ever mentions that. Therefore, I am going to strive to correct the oversight, and navigate the ever expanding universe of comic book styled films to point out where the men did it up right – beyond the obvious picks. Iron Man, Hellboy, The Dark Knight, The Crow and Wolverine get enough press. Let’s let the little guys get some light. Ten Comic Book Styled Movie Males Who Make Me Want to Shave My Legs, and Buy Some Condoms:  | 10: “Oh – Mama likes you when you’re angry!” / Green Ain’t Just for Orion Slave Girls
What, only men are allowed to find green flesh enticing? Lou Ferrigno’s The Incredible Hulk might’ve been a roaring simpleton, but I’d be up for demonstrating the basics and helping to make him a little less green behind the ears.
Even if Stay Puft muscles don’t top a woman’s list, they rarely fail to turn her head. At a friend’s behest, I once attended a low-rent pro wrestling show… and… uh… there was wrestling. Beyond that, though, was something astounding. I’m not talking about the uneven legs of the wobbly folding chair I was seated upon, nor being surrounded by people clothed in the free t-shirts that came with a pack of Marlboros they purchased ten years ago, nor the corny smack talk – aside from all that, there were men with ripped bodies clad only in bikini bottoms. My brain began to fill with helium at the sight. So what if they were wrestling! So what if being a heel meant a brutal lesson in public humiliation! For eight bucks and a couple of donated goods to a food drive, I got to watch a bizarre take on the Foxy Frenchmen -- for two hours! |
Every woman should be able to experience the thrill of seeing a man with an upper body so bold his arms hang slightly askew from his body, stepping nude from her bed, just once. If green skin and bushy eyebrows come with the package, so be it – it’s a good feeling, sure to set a gal’s inner Mae West a-flutter. Of course, The Hulk offers more than steroid-laced eye candy. He stems from a tender place. Even if they are sometimes prone to devouring the body of the male after mating, there’s no denying females are nurturers. Having become a monster due to the crush of guilt from not being able to will an adrenal burst in time to save his love, The Hulk’s fury is tempered in romance. So, beneath the snarl and ferocity lie a shattered heart, in dire need of a woman’s mending touch… and I, for one, wouldn’t mind playing Nurse Nightingale on Lou Ferrigno’s body.
| 9. Zorro
When Johnston McCulley conceived of a masked man who fought tyranny in a Mexican colony, chances are, he was aiming more for a hero to inspire noble imaginings more than heated, midnight frolicking. My mother was a fan of Guy Williams’ black and white adventures, so that’s just where I began to take notice. The future leader of family Robinson was plucky and grand behind the mask. McCulley’s Mark of Zorro was an engaging read, bearing the quick-penned feel of penny serials. William’s excelled in bringing that unerring confidence to the small screen. There have been many shades of the character displayed over the years – but that aspect remains intact. Once the almond-slitted fabric is slipped over the eyes, Zorro is the master of all he endeavors. Confidence is attractive. If someone is so shamelessly brazen, they must have something going on. Perhaps we’re all just gullible saps, but Zorro doesn’t mislead. He is that good. And if he’s that good with his sword…
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Which Zorro to choose, though? Toronado’s master has been displayed in a variety of flavors – from men of privilege who take up arms for the poor, to a fellow coaxed from the gutter and polished to a shine, to an outright dandy. Williams is on a z-shaped pedestal, but fantasizing on a show from sixty years ago seems a bit after the fact. Those puppy dog eyes of Antonio Banderas stand out from the masked pack, ideal for a whimsical night of fancy… for myself – and a zillion other gals. Personally, I like my fantasy men a little less passed around. George Hamilton at his peak (and, just to be clear, as the hetero half of Zorro in The Gay Blade) is worth consideration, but, I’m afraid, neither is my winner.
The Zorro of my nighttime wanderings, then, is….  | Duncan Regehr!
*blows a party horn*
*you know, the kind that unroll when you… gosh, you guys are pervs*
That wasn’t quite the warm reception I was hoping for, but it’s okay, I understand – not everyone spent 6:30pm’s throughout 8th grade in giddy anticipation of The New Zorro (and they might not recognize the name from the cast of the Monster Squad film. Duncan Regehr was Dracula). Regehr’s Zorro was all business. Very much on par with a Bruce Wayne take on double-lives, where life as affluent Don Diego was little more than a scripted affair. The man’s boundless passion, and distaste for current politics were strapped down tight, and bustled away. It was only when behind the mask, as everyone’s no one, was Diego at liberty to be himself – better than himself, to be flawless, cunning and daring, and take a chance at wooing his heart’s addiction. … there were also a few episodes where Zorro sustained mild injuries. Chalk it up to the aforementioned Nightingale vibe, but nothing snags a lady’s attention like a strapping, shirtless man with a bandage on his arm. |
(Before I get complaints on this one, I do believe the pilot counts as a movie.) 
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