|
Page 3 of 3 |
4: The Phantom
Billy Zane in purple spandex is only surpassed by the mental visualization of Billy Zane stripped out of purple spandex.
Someone should grant this man a do-over. As a film, The Phantom didn’t quite deliver. Zane, unfortunately, could not single-handedly bridge the hull breach in that sinking ship. The kaleidoscope of bits and bobs strewn throughout never found a meshing point – though forties sleek and a sprinkling of cheese can work (see Hudsucker Proxy). Zane was born to put on a super hero costume before a rolling camera. His matinee idol looks, paired with a decidedly mischievous brand of charm, seem to beg to be allowed a bit of wind in the hair (… when he has some). I like the idea of a graceful hero, slipping through the shadows, pouncing soundlessly upon his prey. To a woman, it says, “A Man Who Will Be There When You Need Him.” We can only hope he’d be there with height, and fortitude – and shoulders for days, in a muscle-clinging getup that leaves no ripple to the imagination. |  |
| 3: Dwight McCarthy So, Sin City’s longest breathing male protagonist isn’t any more of a superhero than Zorro – which, technically would not make him any more of a superhero than Batman. This article, however, is not intended to discern what, exactly, constitutes a superhero – rather, it’s about men from comic styled film, who are capable of uttering the line, “I’m her boyfriend” and make a gal’s heart go gooey. By that standard, Clive Owen should make this list twice, because he’s capable. Oh, yes. In spades. Beddable Details:
- Red Converse Shoes (snazzy!)
- Ohlala Hair (a lady doesn’t mind having something to run her fingers through)
- Lady Luck loves this boy
- Able to bounce back from falls, tar dips and gunshots (don’t have to worry about losing my temper!)
- Is Johnny-on-the-Spot when there’s a damsel in distress. Even if she’s a hooker. |
2. The Operative
Okay, again, not a traditional sort – but as Serenity’s austere assassin, Chiwetel Ejiofor was sublime. The smooth British sway in his voice is warming, like a warm sip of burgundy on a chilled winter night. He sounds learned, but curious, with a fathomless patience a woman could easily find indispensable. When we hear phrases such as “force of nature”, we bring to mind tornados and hurricanes – visible, hellacious feats shredding all the Earth in its path. Nature, however, is more often calculating, toiling beneath a cloak of ocean and elements, capable of splitting granite with only its tenacity. Ejiofor’s Operative was much the latter.
When we’re introduced to the trim black man with large, kind eyes, he is taking in a scene. There’s a hologram recording playing back, chronicling a brother hatching an astonishing escape plan for his sister. He then asks, in a humble, barely pointed fashion if the doctor present noticed the brother’s expression in the play back. The doctor suggests only “madness” – prompting The Operative to correct, “It's love, in point of fact.” | 
|
He utters the word with such reverence, viewers are left with the fallible belief he will, eventually, take up arms for the siblings. Instead, he offers the doctor a sword to oft himself with. When the doctor declines, The Operative curtly jabs a pressure point in the doctor’s back, causing the doctor’s eyes to flail about while his body remains motionless, standing in a state of instantaneous rigor mortis. Blithely, The Operative directs the doctor’s horrified secretary to pull various files, while himself taking a knee, angling his sword behind, waiting (ever so patiently) for the doctor to fall onto it. It’s no secret women are drawn to bad boys. Trouble is, bad boys who evade barber’s scissors, run amok with parties and indulgence, spending their days sleeping in, and their nights thumbing the system, are, all too often, annoying boys. The Operative, on the other hand, clearly has a job -- and takes it seriously. He’s reliable in a way that only a third man in a rooftop could be. He’s graceful, confident and smoooooth. The definitions of morals and honor he adheres to might be twisted, but he freely admits to as much. A man of honesty. How refreshing! Did I mention the pressure point thing?
Really, anyone who has made even a rudimental study of massage technique knows that in learning pressure points of relaxation, one inevitably gleans some pleasure points. If the old adage, “Keep Your Friends Close, and Enemies Closer” carries any weight, we have yet another reason to invite The Operative over for an extended nightcap. 1: Buckaroo Banzai (with special mention to his pal, Rawhide)
Buckaroo is a genius. And he knows martial arts. And he has a band! Peter Weller’s turn as a bow tie-bearing rock ‘n’ rolling scientist had it all. Starlit blue eyes feeding a mind light years beyond the rest of us poor schlubs, Buckaroo casually saved the day, routinely. Governments, and even aliens sought his aid in their woes. Yet, his ego never swelled. Such a man could easily have been a despicable whore, but not Buckaroo. While jetting around the countryside and multi-dimensions, Buckaroo kept his peripheral open for the possibility of love. He found it, too, late one night, while playing a show. Above the cacophony of music revelers, he heard crying – far away, in the back of the room, sitting by her lonesome, was Penny. *sigh A common theme in superhero storylines is the precarious balancing act a hero must navigate between the crime fighting life and holding down the home front. For most super-inclined, love comes at a cost to the masses -- a soul searing decision that takes at least one or two sequels to sort out. In Mr. Banzai’s world, however, there was none of that. Of course he could thwart the evil aliens, save the Earth and win the girl. Geez, put on a cape and call it Amateur Night, why don’t ya? | 
|
Women like a man who has his own thing going on, yet will happily clear their schedule to accommodate.
… men who can sing, and play the guitar accumulate even more Groovy Points. So, really: Scientist, singer, guitarist, all-around genius, chivalrous, great hair, great eyes… what car-chucking, gravity defying or ninja-stealthy comic-styled movie hero could possibly beat Buckaroo Banzai?
(Banzai’s rugged wingman, Rawhide, makes a special mention here by merit of lust alone. He didn’t receive nearly as much screen-time as I would’ve preferred, but the cowboy hat and laid back manner kind of makes me want to go and visit the range. Especially if they actually grow men out there like Clancy Brown.) ----
Lofty standards, each and every one. I could see where an ordinary man might find it daunting, might come away from reading the list with, “Women want strength, and agility, and brains, and laughter --- and – and –“ But the point is, simply, that women want. None of the men mentioned are perfect (well, aside from Buckaroo), they’re always striving; whether to be better, faster, or keep their inner monster under wraps.
No woman is demanding perfection.
We would just like to see a bit of effort in that general direction.
Contact Angela Mac:
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
|
