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Fairy tales weren’t always singing birds and whirling teacups – but would Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves have trampled off to work at the box office and taken home an Oscar (well, one large, and seven small), if its evil queen had salted the heart of her foe, and then gobbled it down? Probably not.
Which leaves us in a bit of a quandary. While there is a gore-lovin’, pastel sneering, punk rock princess rattling in my chest, ravenous for cinema’s beneficent scraps of darkness and depravity… well, I kinda like a happily ever after now and then. Grim’s Snow White might nourish my dark side with heart chewing, but it also features an end-scene wedding party in which the evil queen’s sins are addressed by ordering her to strap on a pair of red hot metal slippers and...
dance in them until she dies. Is excessive vengeance a happy ending? Or would we prefer our fairy tales and Asian movies straddle separate lines? 
| I like my video stores on the dodgy side. There’s no romance in renting from the chains – no crooked shelves teetering upon the owner’s heavily thumbed Harlequin collection. Florescent bulbs are replaced regularly at Movie Gallery, preventing the creation of cozy, ill-lit nooks, where bulbs sputter to death overhead as you plug your ears against their maddening hum. It was in one such very nook that I happened upon a worn VHS copy of The Tenth Kingdom. I’d never heard of it before, but the declarations “Rutger Hauer as The Huntsman” and “Dianne Weist as the Evil Queen” caught my eye. Allow me to be clear here: “Worth Watching” and “Good Movie” aren’t always synonymous. I wasn’t jazzed up with the stratospheric hope of a second coming of Blade Runner when I emerged from the bowels of that video store, dinged-up copy of an unheard of Rutger Hauer VHS movie in hand. It was much more on par with frothing at the bit for some Blind Fury-esque cheese. And hey, John Larroquette was in the mix! I was certain I’d laugh… at least once. |
So, I returned home, nourishment procured, and began watching… eventually.
The beginning took a bit to unwind its gears and begin chipping at the story. A dog is actually a prince – a preening, foppish prince, who most likely deserves to have been transmuted to canine form – on the run from Keystone Cop Ogres, the prince-dog finds himself transported to Manhattan. Believe me, I know how that sounds – further, it was just that ridiculous… and yet… this was the first couple of minutes. That could be the entire plotline of an awful film – while this film was only beginning there.
Larroquette portrayed the father of Kimberly Williams-Paisley’s “Virginia”. He’s likable, that Larroquette. As the besieged workman of a dilapidated apartment building, he brings a reluctant, everyman charm to the script. His hope that his daughter will step onto a better path in life, even though he’s clueless as to how to show her the way, comes across as genuine. Unexpected meaning in a sea of cheese.
Only… that serendipitous charm keeps occurring. Larroquette ends up with a magic bean – all of his wishes granted. Ridiculous, yes, and yet, once again, unexpectedly well done. Even if it is corny. Who wouldn’t want to tell their boss to kiss it, and who wouldn’t cringe in horror if said boss actually took a knee and attempted the PDA?
… and then Wolf is introduced.
The Big Bad Wolf. Here’s where scriptwriter Simon Moore’s brilliance truly begins to shine through: wolves are largely misunderstood. They have been the unwitting subjects of old wives’ propaganda for far, far too long. Wolves at the door, wolf in sheep’s clothing, eaten up by wolves – like a pack of hungry wolves! Really? No. As I mentioned in the Obama 80’s movies article, there was that incident in Ireland, yes, but by far, NOT waiting in the dark, ready to pounce on the first man who happens by. They keep their distance, as wolves are skittish of that which is out of place (case in point: an alternative to shooting wolves out west is for ranchers to place red flags along their property. Wolves will steer clear, as they find the new objects highly suspect). Coyotes, on the other hand are far more unstable creatures. They will surround and attack you. Often, they look a hell of a lot like a wolf. Feel me? | |
Sorry for the crash-course – but it was important in illustrating the depth of my adoration of the character Wolf (whether Moore labored to get the details correct, or was just astonishingly lucky, I’m not sure). When we meet Wolf, he has become a self-fulfilled prophecy, fully living up to the wicked rap “wolfs” have been burdened with. He’s on par with a calculating, though hyper Beta – always on the lookout for a way to the top, so much so, he dizzies himself in the process. But just as he pops an apple into Grandma’s mouth and dresses her up for a delicious baking… he falls in love.
Love, as other films have suggested, make a person… well… it makes you want to be… let’s just say, better. Wolf is transformed into a pup in love, desperate to shed his dark reputation and woo the woman of his affection (regardless of how much grit, glory or self help book reading it requires).  | Scott Cohen is nothing short of addicting as Wolf. One can’t help but wonder, why in the world isn’t this man in everything?? It’s easy to imagine he must have fallen in love with the character, to have such undiluted faith the scratching behind the ears, and zany hyperactivity would work. Whatever his motivation, he was correct. If I had to limit myself to one reason for viewing The Tenth Kingdom, it would be, simply, that everyone should be introduced to Wolf.
I began watching the tape rather late in the evening, no where near awake enough to spend an hour and a half on the sofa. So, about forty minutes in, I stopped for the night. At this point, I was thoroughly enjoying the film, though, not quite raving about it, yet. The next morning, I watched what I would guess was another forty minutes, before being interrupted. That evening, surely, another forty… and at every turn, I expected it to end. The wealth of temper inside me was readying itself – because the film wasn’t ready to end. It was clearly building to be a case of finding oneself invested in a storyline, only to have snatched out from under. Suddenly credits roll, and you’re going, “THAT was the end?!” The Tenth Kingdom was going to rob me. I knew it. The film couldn’t be over two hours long – they had this marvelous story going and were just going to snap it off. |
Only… they didn’t.
Another twenty minutes.
Another half hour.
Another HOUR.
I was equally riveted and terrified that my next viewing would be the last.
Another forty minutes….
… could it be possible there might be a magical VHS? A movie that spun without end – and if, indeed, there were such a film in existence, wouldn’t it stand to reason it would be a film about fairy tales?
“What?! Of course the movie ends, Angela,” said my mother.
But I didn’t want to believe her. I wanted to see what happened to Wolf every day, for the rest of his life – in thirty minute, daily bursts.
It did eventually end, of course. Don’t look up the running time, though.
Seriously.
Had I any inkling of Tenth Kingdom’s duration, I would’ve looked at it differently. Approaching every scene as though it might be the last, was a savory medicine.
When I found out more about the film, I was flabbergasted. A movie where shepherdesses are whores, and shrooms line a forest’s floor with voices like Johnny Rivers, casts Ed O’Neill as a troll king, and Ann-Margret as a 120 year old Cinderella (who’s had work done), where -- oh! – an evil queen had once been made to strap on red hot slippers, but such unchecked vengeance is not, currently, the order of the day…. A movie like that – how could it possibly be a…. dare I even say it? Won’t my credibility tank when I do?
A… a…. *hides head* …. A HALLMARK MOVIE.
There. I said it.
Though my jaw hit the floor when I discovered that tidbit, it does explain one thing: why, even though The Tenth Kingdom was highly enjoyable, even though a script is ready to go for the sequel and (as far as I’ve read) the actors are on board, no plans are in motion for the sequel to become a reality.
Hallmark will make the sequel The Good Witch’s Garden, but won’t touch this. Even though the sequel would be all about Wolf!!!!
| | I’m tired of carting around this rancor all by my lonesome.
So, I beg you: Please, buy a DVD of The Tenth Kingdom, so that my misery of the unfulfilled notions of this world might be shared. Do yourself a favor though – don’t look it up too much and ruin wonder with facts and figures, speculations and expectations.
If you’re curious, take a blind chance… after all, not every apple offered is a poisonous one.
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