So, I know some of you are thinking this is just a rehash of Mall Cop, with healthy doses of Dr. Doolittle and Night at the Museum thrown in. Um, well, yeah. It is. There is nothing original, or even particularly compelling about this film. It doesn’t even measure up to the standards of Mall Cop, which at least had a more well-developed set of characters and a MUCH more believable back-story for Kevin James’s character. Here James is trying to coast on his good-natured-doofus charm, and is hoping you’ll be too mesmerized by the SFX animals and the eye-candy of Leslie Bibb and Rosario Dawson to notice the film’s shortcomings. It ain’t art, but it’s a bet he’s going to win, I think.

The Good:

The special effects are very good. The animals are a mixture of live animals, CGI, and animatronic suits. It’s all done very well, but then again, it’s all been done before, so you’d expect nothing less. Kevin James is likeable as always, and all the other actors do their bits. For me, the big standout is Joe Rogan. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him in anything, and he is quite a treat as the giant douchebag nemesis for James. It was also pretty awesome to have Sly Stallone as the lion and Nick “Clusterfuck” Nolte as the gorilla.

The Bad:

Unfortunately, the rest of the voice cast ranged from dull to outright shrill and annoying (Sandler and Apatow: I’m looking at you). And while some of the animals had funny bits and lines, once again, there’s just nothing new here. The monkey jokes about throwing poop. What a tour-de-force of comic screenwriting. Also, as I mentioned earlier, James’s back-story is tres ridiculous. He’s chasing after his ex-g/f, a pretentious, gold-digging head-case who would never have dated a zoo employee in the first place. When the catalyst for the story is nonsensical, it’s hard to suspend disbelief for the rest of the proceedings.

End Result: Zookeeper is not original, nor particularly interesting, but it does have enough funny moments and charm from James to coast along to mediocrity. You’ll do a bit of laughing, and it’s harmless enough, but it’s fair to say to wait for video. If you have kids, though, it is a good way to while away an afternoon in the AC, out of the summer heat. You see, it has almost no coarse language and very little even in the way of sexual innuendo. It is virtually non-threatening for kids of all ages. So in that respect, it is a pretty rare commodity.

Trivia: That’s my man Tom Woodruff, Jr. in the Bernie (gorilla) suit. Those of you who take their creature films seriously will know who I’m talking about.

I always enjoy the opportunity to see a free movie, and seeing it early is just icing on the cake. Even if I am in a theater full of toddlers. Seriously, if you are at a free screening, and you are not amongst the hundred or so people turned away after the theater fills up, be a little gracious. If the only seats are up front, or if the projector breaks and you have to move to a different theater, don’t be a fucking crybaby about it.

But anyway.

What it’s about:

If you’ve seen the trailers, there will be no surprises for you in the film. If you have not, here goes: Cameron Diaz plays Liz Halsey, a foul-mouthed, gold-digging, amoral woman who has absolutely no business being a teacher. She plots, schemes, and steals her way towards a boob-job, and accidentally learns a lesson or two along the way. Well, sort of.

The Good:

Diaz is quite good, but then again, she always is. She’s pushing 40, but only gets prettier and more enjoyable to watch on screen. Especially when she is gleefully vulgar and rotten to everyone around her. The supporting cast is pretty good, as well. Justin Timberlake is kind of wasted as the handsome substitute teacher with a full bank account but an empty head, but Jason Segel is well-used as gym teacher Garrett, the one person in the film who not only won’t take Liz’s shit, but gives it right back to her. The female supporting cast was my favorite part of the film, however. Phyllis Smith from The Office is adorable as always, and Liz’s arch-nemesis, goody-two-shoes teacher Amy Squirrel is played by none other than English actress Lucy Punch, who you might recall as Eve Draper from Hot Fuzz. I was also quite pleased to hear the soundtrack rocking both Judas Priest and Dio. Well played, Bad Teacher. Well played.

The Bad:

There’s not a single moment on screen that you won’t already know is going to happen. That’s just the nature of the big-budget beast. Yes, Diaz swears a lot and does awful things, but that’s the premise of the film: nothing shocking there. But unlike Bad Santa, you never get past “she’s pretty, but she’s an asshole.” You don’t ever scratch the surface of her personality, nor do any of her antics ever go too far. About the most evil thing she does is purposefully give someone poison ivy on the face. A motherfucking shitty thing to do, but it is pretty quickly down-played in the film. You are never supposed to truly dislike Liz, and thus the movie never truly challenges the audience.

And that’s about it. Not a challenging film, but definitely quite funny. Well worth a watch, but it can probably wait for video.

I will admit that I kind of thought the idea of playing out the classic romantic tragedy Romeo and Juliet with computer-animated garden gnomes was pretty neat, but it really was nothing that I felt moved to go to the theater to see. That is, until I scammed free passes to an advanced, 3D screening. Then all of a sudden it seemed like an awesome idea. So, there you go. And now here you go.

What it’s about:

Well, duh. I already covered this, and it is heavily implied by the title. In this case, it is actually the respective owners of a duplex who are Mrs. Montague and Mr. Capulet, and it is their garden gnomes (blue for Montague and red for Capulet) who play out the Shakespearean animosity, though they naturally have no idea why. They’re just hardened clay, for heaven’s sake. But for those in the cheap seats: Gnomeo is a blue, who through a series of circumstances encounters Juliet, a red, under the conditions that both their hats are completely covered. They have a successful flirtation, only to discover they have fallen in love with the enemy. Hijinks ensue.

The Good:

Pretty much everything. The animation is top-notch, and obviously the tale is timeless. The movie sets up the action for the younger people who may be watching right in beginning, with a gnome who comes out onto a stage and explains that they are going to tell a tale that has been told many times before, but it requires a lot of boring explanation. He then begins reciting the prologue to the original play, only to be dropped through a trap door. This gets a big laugh from the kids, and even in the establishing shot for the movie proper there is a Hamlet joke (the duplex address is, well, you can guess. I hope.). There are several other nice Shakespeare jokes (some overt, some clever) as well as a WONDERFUL running lawnmower joke (ha ha) and a pink flamingo with a Spanish accent. As far as the actual gnome proceedings, it follows the source material well while being brought down enough to the kids’ level to engage them without being patronizing. And while there are plenty of jokes for the adults, it never resorts to out and out potty humor.

The Bad:
There isn’t much bad in this genuinely funny, honestly fun for all ages movie. I will say that one scene, when Gnomeo and Juliet are spiffing themselves up for their first legitimate date, has the look and feel of an Old Navy advert. That was weird. Also, Elton John is all over this movie like hair on a gorilla. His songs are used as soundtrack, instrumental versions of his songs are used as score, one gnome actually becomes Elton while serenading a frog, and the weather vanes on both sides of the duplex, at the end of the film, are different versions of Elton John. It was bizarre enough to take me out of the film.

Trivia:

No real trivia here. I am sure there is, but I don’t know it and am not inspired to dig. I will say that there is a lot of great, if not weird, voice talent on hand. In supporting roles there is Michael Caine, Maggie Smith, Jason Statham, and Stephen Merchant. Oh, and Ozzy Osbourne.